"My Vocation is Love"

...so said St. Thérèse of Lisieux (1873-1897), French Catholic Discalced Carmelite nun who is also known as "The Little Flower."

Years ago when I learned about her, my life changed. Her existence on earth was short and small, in that she was not famous or revered. She was devoted to Jesus and lived out that love in a fellowship of fellow nuns that was not necessarily as harmonious or life-giving as it sounds. Living in a fellowship with other human beings isn't without conflict, of course.

She was often cold and hungry. She suffered terribly before dying.

But God used her writings and her love for Him and others to inspire, comfort, and bless millions around the world.

In these difficult days of Covid-19, which for me have included high anxiety and at times even anger, the Lord has been drawing me back to Thérèse. To her reminder that "the world's thy ship, not thy home." 

To the call for my vocation to love. Not to judge or be righteously upset at others' judgment, not to be vexed or resent others' vexations, but to love. 

I haven't been doing very well with that, I confess. This season of Covid has revealed ugliness in our society, in our hearts, in our world. People say things from behind the safety of a keyboard or a phone screen that they wouldn't say to another person's face. I'm not saying that sometimes lines shouldn't be drawn in the sand: the Lord shows us that it is sometimes necessary to cut off, cast away, tear down and rebuild.

But I've seen lines drawn that do nothing but drive others away from the Gospel, and I confess I've been saddened and angry.

These are strange days indeed, but God's call hasn't changed. To follow His commandments. To serve Him and others. To do justly, to love mercy, to walk humbly with Him. To love.

I'm thankful for the example of Thérèse, and for the Lord using her to give me the gentle nudge to seek Him and live in His love first and foremost.

Draw me, we will run...To ask to be drawn is to will intimate union with the object which holds the heart captive. If fire and iron were gifted with reason, and that the latter said to the fire: "Draw me," would not this prove that it desired to become identified with the fire even so far as to share its substance? Well, that is exactly my prayer. I beg of Jesus to draw me into the flames of His Love, to unite me so closely to Himself that He may live and act in me. I feel that the more the fire of love inflames my heart, the more I shall say: "Draw me," the more also will the souls who draw near to mine run swiftly in the fragrant odors of the Well-Beloved.

Story of A Soul, Chapter XI

A Short Word of Encouragement

If you need encouragement today, I pray you remember that God is holding you in His hands--hands that are gentle yet mighty. Hands that reached out for you, hands that rescued you, hands that bear your name on the palms (Isaiah 49:16).

God is here. With us. Now. And He's not going anywhere.

I'm taking a short break from social media as I work to meet a deadline (Kellan and Paige's story!), but my hope is to also take some time to be still and focus on God. The past few months have been difficult for all of us, heartbreaking in many ways. I have been discouraged, sad, and anxious at times, especially in the face of a lack of unity, but I know is that God is at work in our hearts and lives and in the world He created. I am encouraged even as I am discouraged. I am comforted even as I am sad. I am hopeful even as I have been anxious. I am grateful, and one of the things I am grateful for is you.

In my little break, I plan to take some time to truly seek Him and rest in His majesty. I pray you are well and stay safe. See you soon!

Am I Wasting Quarantine?

This weekend I read an article on the Dayspring website ("Don't Waste Your Quarantine" by Ryan Perkins). It's excellent--read it here--and it's a strong reminder to be more of a Mary than a Martha in this time of isolation, to spend time with the Lord and draw closer to Him.

Public Domain

I had a lot of ideas about how I would spend this time of isolation with my family. In fact, I wrote a blog post about my intentions. I would pray, write letters, clean out my office, indulge in self care, get creative with meals, do crafts, and so forth. And yes, spend more time with the Lord.

In other words, I'd decided not to waste my quarantine.

It's now been a full month since my kids came home, and almost that long since my state went into "Stay at home" mode. I have prayed, I have written a few letters, I have cooked weird meals using what I have in the cupboard, and I have written a book proposal which was turned in on time. A few times, I've sat in the sun to read and absorb Vitamin D. I've cleaned some things, but--

My home office and closet are still cluttered messes.

I haven't done all that much self-care. Or a single craft project (unless you count trying to make no-sew masks).

And most of all, I have not spent the amount of time with the Lord I've wanted to. Needed to.

The reason for this is as simple as it is complicated: life is messy. Quarantine has created a host of new activities, sources of stress, and distractions that have altered the way we function around here.

Maybe you can relate to one or more of these changes/challenges:

• Difficulty sleeping
• Adjustment/clutter due to four people working at home
• Kids experiencing stress, grief, and struggle. Graduation and the celebrations surrounding it? Not happening. Job interviews, plans with friends, rites of passage, expectations, relationships? Truncated abruptly. Each of my kids handles these things differently. How do we help our kids right now? This is not a simple, one-paragraph answer. It takes a lot of prayer, time, hope, and support.
• Increased planning, creativity, and energy when it comes to food shopping for our family as well as for extended family
• Rationing certain foods
• Loneliness
• A cycle of discouragement, since I feel like there's a very big shoe about to drop. I'm not sure what that shoe looks like: is it my family getting sick? Is it someone I know dying? And then I sometimes go through guilt/self-condemnation for my fears: I should be trusting God more.

Can you relate to any of these? How are you coping?

I am not a model for coping like a champ, obviously, but one thing I tell my kids is this life we are living is not normal.

Some people react to grief--which is what we're all feeling, to some degree--by being active, busy, and in constant motion. Others require more rest and are exhausted by the need to heal.

We do not need to have all the answers right now. God is with us, before us, beside us, and around us. 

Another thing we're trying to do? Look for blessings. It's not easy to find these on the news feeds of our phones, but the world is still blossoming and God is still at work in many, many ways.

In closing, here are a few blessings in my life:

• Our neighbor's newborn baby. We visited with him--keeping proper social distance--on the porch yesterday! Little hiccups, little toes, little fingers, big wide eyes. 
• Zoom. It's not the same as being together in person but it's better than nothing! I'm proud of my parents for learning how to do it and getting together with a group of friends once a week!
• Everyone sewing masks for strangers! Every act of kindness and love I hear of! Every word of encouragement I hear on the radio, TV, or in a song!
• Time with my kids.
• Birdsong, flowers blooming, blue sky. God's creation is beautiful.
• The resources we have to engage with the Lord. Books! Internet! Other's words of encouragement!

Thanks for bearing with me, if you read this far. I'm praying for you in this odd, scary time.

Hidden in the Shadow of His Wings

I'm sheltering with our kids at home now--as sheltered as we can be, anyway. Today I'm praying for the world, for those close to my heart, and for love to grow and diminish the spread of fear and the virus.

God bless and keep you, dear ones. He loves you and He hears you. Sending you virtual hugs (the only kind allowed in these days of social distancing!).

Ten Things to do While Stuck at Home

Ten Things

I haven't shared a list of Ten Things in a while, but as we face the upcoming days of working from home/isolation/quarantine due to the global spread of COVID-19, I thought I'd challenge myself to come up with ten things I would be doing, other than writing, while I'm at home.

Will you try any of these? What are your plans for non-working time spent at home?

1. Clean up the home office office. After writing three novellas and a novel in somewhat-rapid succession, I have neglected a lot of housework. The office has become a family dumping ground for bills, crafts, and things we don't know what to do with, not to mention all of my writing-related stuff. And by stuff, I mean STUFF. This room needs help!
2. Journal about my experiences during these unprecedented times. I've asked my kids to do this, too. Journaling helps us process our feelings as we record our experiences. These records may also be of benefit to future generations. My son is a budding historian, so he knows how valuable these types of documents can be. Someday he'll be telling his students about what life was like during this period of history!
3. READ. Of course! I have a huge TBR pile. I can't wait to dive in!
4. Make a craft. I never have as much time as I wish to do little creative projects. Right now I want to make ribbon angel ornaments for Christmas. Please be aware my angels are not very good. This is not an exaggeration. I am not being humble. But they're fun to make.
5. Play a board game, do a puzzle--something fun and engaging with the people who are homebound with you!
6. Check in with neighbors, especially elderly/vulnerable ones. Do they need food? Toilet paper? Is there anything I can give them or do for them?
7. Write letters. I owe my real, snail mail letters to my aunt, my penpal, and a few others. I should probably write notes to others. I love getting real snail mail, and my mailbox gets lonely!
8. Binge Watch a show I've been wanting to see, but haven't yet had time.
9. Exercise--by walking around my neighborhood (or house, if weather is inclement, as it's looking to be today. I just took a 20 minute walk through the house while I talked to my mom on the phone.).
10. Cook using what I find in my cupboards. Our last trip to the market didn't end up with us getting everything on my list. I still have food in the pantry, though, so it's time to get creative. I just found a half cup of quinoa. I cooked it, added parsley, chives, and basil from my yard, as well as tomatoes, oil and vinegar. I wish I had feta cheese to go into it, but oh well. It'll be a nice lunch!
11. I know this list says Ten Things, but how can I leave off prayer? I am going to curl into a cozy chair, read Scripture, meditate on the Lord, and pray. The list of requests is huge, relating to coronavirus alone. There are so many ramifications, and like most everyone else, I am worried about my kids, my parents, our families, the people I know who are sick but haven't been tested for coronavirus, the economic hardships this is causing, etc etc etc. Thanks be to God that He is in control and He is with us!

What about you? What are you doing at home?

Merry Christmas!

May the Lord bless and keep you this Christmas as you contemplate His coming to dwell among us!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Thanksgiving!

 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. 

~ 1 Chron. 16:34

Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving, wherever you may be!

The Call No One Wants: Diagnostic Mammogram and Ultrasound

I was not expecting The Call.

Eleven days after my annual mammogram, Radiology called to inform me I needed to come back for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. Half numb, I made the appointment for three full days away.

Once I got off the phone, I had a panic attack. My first of several, it turned out.

While some insurance providers don't offer mammograms without referrals for their female patients until they're 50 years old, mine thankfully does. All I have to do is call the appointment line, and I can schedule one. Since my mom has had breast cancer twice (she's doing great!), I've made it a point to get annual mammograms and breast exams since I was 40.

I do not enjoy mammograms. Because of my mom's history, they're emotionally stressful. But they're also flat out uncomfortable. I'm small in that department and sometimes that machine pulls me up onto my tippy toes while I'm twisted back like a gymnast so they can get a good shot.

Unlike most women who get two pictures taken of each side, I have three pictures taken; it's been this way for a while now and I know to expect it. When we finish with our six pictures, the tech always tells me I'll get a letter in a week if everything's fine or a call within 3-5 days if the radiologist sees something. The usual spiel.

Until now, I've received the letter--although not usually within the week. Usually, my letter thanks me for using their Radiology department, tells me I'm fine (in that order!), and then says I have dense breast tissue, which gives me a slightly higher chance of getting breast cancer.

I hate it all, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for mammograms. They save lives. They saved my mom's twice now, as well as the lives three women I know who are fighting or recently fought cancer. (One is younger than I am. And I should note, all are fine!) But the annual stress is difficult.

When The Call came that I needed to come back in for further evaluation, I did not handle it that well. After telling my husband and praying, I called my parents and cried. They, like my husband, were wonderful, telling me no matter what, It Would Be Fine. They were there and would help me, and my kids would be ok, We would all be ok.

They also reminded me of what I would spend the next few days reminding myself:

• God is with me and will not abandon me, no matter what.
• I am blessed with a wonderful family, friends, and church who would love and support me. I am also blessed with good insurance.
• The reason I go in for mammograms each year is so that if there is a problem, it can be found early. If I had a fight on my hands, it would hopefully be against a smaller enemy.
• The vast majority of call backs for diagnostic mammograms and ultrasounds turn out totally fine. Only around 10% of those who are called back go on to be biopsied. Of those, most are benign--cysts, etc.

Sometimes, those reminders were enough to allow me to concentrate on work or a TV show or book. Other times, not so much.

I'm a writer. My imagination is wild. I was asking a lot of What If questions and creating scenarios. I ran ahead of God into Dangerous Territory. I didn't sleep, couldn't eat, and had a difficult time functioning some moments.

Waiting, as they say, is the hardest part.

At last the day of my appointment arrived. My husband drove me to the Radiology office. Clutching my olive-wood cross from the Holy Land, I checked in at reception and received a wrist band identifying me so I couldn't switch places with a doppelganger or something. The TVs in the waiting area were showing The Price is Right and the contestant made the right choice, avoiding the fate of bringing home hot sauce-flavored mouthwash.

I didn't have to wait long. The female tech who I'd seen a few weeks ago called me back. I asked if my husband could come, and she said she'd find a spot for him while she explained things but he couldn't stay during the exams. Fair enough.

I changed into a gown and put my clothes and purse into a locker. Then the tech called us into a mammography room. My earlier pictures were up on the board. The "problem" was hard to miss, a definite white, round shape in the center of my breast. It was big enough that I wondered how I missed feeling it myself.

It was also big enough to frighten me. I fully expected to need a biopsy.

The tech told us she would take new pictures, close ups focused on the area, and then I would have an ultrasound. After the ultrasound, it would take a few days for the radiologist to inform my doctor of the results.

She excused my husband and then we began. We took three pictures of my left side, with me in various uncomfortable postures, praying all the while. Then she told me to have a seat in the little chair in the corner by the sink and she would go ask the radiologist, if he was available, if the pictures were sufficient or if he wanted more. She asked if I had questions and I shook my head.

I waited for a few minutes, praying, wishing I had my little olive-wood cross, but I'd given it to my husband to hold onto. When she returned, she had my husband with her. She shut the door and said she had good news.

Apparently, there was no sign of anything in the new pictures except dense breast tissue. She said sometimes the way the breast is compressed in a mammogram, dense tissue can look suspicious or create a shadow...and frankly after that I couldn't really process anymore, so I don't remember what she said. All I knew was that she said the round spot was gone in the new images.

She said the radiologist was so confident in his findings that he canceled the ultrasound, something that never happens. Usually they do the ultrasound just to be on the safe side.

I'd get another letter to explain the findings, and the radiologist might want me to come back for another mammogram in six months, but otherwise, I was free to go. 

I cried with relief, but to be honest, even as I write this I'm still in shock. I think it'll take a while for the adrenaline to wear off. I'm praising God, thanking Him, thanking those who prayed for me, and counting my blessings.

In addition, I realized that I couldn't name anyone I knew who has had a call back for a Diagnostic Mammogram and Ultrasound which turned out to be ok. Is this because the matter is private and personal to some, so they don't share? I can understand that, as I didn't put my appointment up on social media, either. Another possibility is that many of my friends haven't yet had a mammogram because of insurance or other issues. Either way, I haven't heard these types of stories.

That's why I decided to share my story.  This was a scary, nerve-wracking experience, but it ended ok. Someone might need to know that. I might need to know it myself, again, after a mammogram and I'm waiting on that letter, hoping not to get The Call.

I may not be in the Sisterhood of Breast Cancer Patients and Survivors, but I do feel like I'm in a new sort of sisterhood, one that's brushed the border. I pray for you, dear Sister, if you are struggling after The Call, to take courage. You aren't alone.